“There’s rules to this sh*t…” ~ Notorious B.I.G. “10 Crack Commandments” Life After Death, 1997
Whether malicious or benign, we all have rules when it comes to the people we date. We’re pretty much all control-freaks who want things the way we want them, when we want them that way – which is pretty much all the time.
I want it that way.
Have it your way.
We’re a society based on our own wants and desires. Which of course makes relationships funner than three pirahnas at a church picnic eating pork chops next to Sister Sue Betty with the gawdawful church hat collection. The thing is, having rules for our partners isn’t necessarily a bad thing as long as it’s more like, “if you drop a deuce on the living room floor, I will leave you” and not so much, “if you’re not home by 7pm every night of the week, I will beat you mercilessly and then make you watch re-runs of The Walton’s goodnight sequence for 3 hours every night.”
And believe you me, that would be torture. Waterboarding has nothing on “good night John Boy 8,984 times per night”.
While controlling people pretty much make me want to dry heave, I know that they exist everywhere. They’re in the bushes right now ready to jump out with a corkboard filled with post-it notes and oddly shaped thumbtacks. Bridezilla’s are not just brides, they are everywhere and rock boy XX and XY chromosome patterns. And like I said, all rules aren’t bad. So here are a list of general relationship rules that I think all people should recognize, acceptionize, and practicize.
1. Do not put hands on people unless people put their hands on you first or pull out a weapon.
I tried to tell OJ Simpson about this one but some joker named AC Kanye’d me right in the middle of my speech, and well, you all remember how that one ended. The damn Knicks BLEW it against the Rockets in the finals back in 1994.
2. Don’t bring sand to the beach, unless you know and appreciate your own sand more than the beach’s sand.
While I know people like to go to the club together, I think most people can’t handle seeing their S.O. being ogled by somebody else. People are jealous by nature. Some couples just have that comfort level to be able to do something like that. Most, however, do not. If you know you’re jealous, save yourself an argument and a court case and club on separate nights.
3. Do not make your S.O. look dumb in front of company, family, or ninjas you do not know.
This is more of a common courtesy and applies to your homies or homies with boobs, etc. Unless somebody is just egregiously in the wrong, alienating your S.O. in front of anybody is just not the business. It makes them look foolish. And NOBODY wants Ashanti’s sideburns (which she may or may not have gotten rid of by now).
4. Oral lovin’n is required.
No grown self-respecting individuals should still think its icky. Seriously. In fact, if you use words like “icky” after somebody says, “you gon’ touch it or not?” it should be okay for you to be forced to walk home. That goes for men or women, gay or straight.
5. Everybody needs some alone time.
Even Flavor Flav and that old white lady he was dating with the odd accent needed some alone time on occasion and both of them should have just been happy to have ANYBODY. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Why you think people think so fondly of dead people. Them ninjas are absent like a motherf*cker.
Well, good people of VSB, are there any relationship rules you think should be mandated? Do you have any special relationship rules impart upon your signifcant others?
Talk to the hand.
No, really. I’m recording it all in my palm-corder.
---------by anonymous---------------------
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